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Ever heard someone "slurp" a chimichanga?
I think I might have an anxiety disorder or some sort of odd neurosis.
I don't know what it's called. I not even sure if it has a name, but the disorder seems to manifest itself under just the right circumstances.
The circumstances? Whenever someone does something obnoxious, repetitively. This covers a wide range of human behaviors: popping, sniffling, smacking. There are others, many others, but for now I'll just stick with the top four.
Gum-Popping
I realized that I might have a bit of a problem when I was in a waiting room yesterday and a lady on the other side of the waiting room was merrily double-timing her Juicy Fruit. Occasionally she would get the wad situated just right between her teeth and "pap... pap. pappapapapap... pop." It was like a Chinese New Year going off in her mouth! I noticed that I had stopped reading the year-old Time Magazine I had found and had commited all of my attention to this crime in progress.
I watched her. I sensed myself tensing up with every chew. Then "pap..." the noise seemed to sting my brain. I glared at her. "pap..." Doesn't this woman realize she is not the only "pap..." one in this room!?! Has she no dece"pap..."ncy? Then an angel appeared on one shoulder, and a devil on the other...
the angel: "let it go. trouble yourself no more."
the devil: "what say we go over there and ask her to make a choice... the gum or her teeth."
the angel: "Mark, there are far greater things to concern yourself with... Think of the love of your family. Now, doesn't that make you feel better?"
"pap..."
the devil: "How much you wanna bet her second chin can reach that damned scrunchy that's holding up that gray pony-tail?"
the angel: "Now Mark, this is part of the human condition and..." "pap...""pappapappapap..""pap..."
the angel: "...second thought... go ice the bitch! That's annoying as hell!!!"
Now I realize that I have the problem. She was probably oblivious that she was even chewing gum and I'm sure that if I would've gone over and asked her to quit popping the gum I'm sure that she would have happily obliged. Unfortunately for me I DO have "proper home-training" (it's a southern thing) and therefore would not have been able to embarrass her in such a way. That's a load of crap. It has nothing to do with home-training, I'm afraid I would've gone bat-shit crazy if I asked her to stop and she "papped..." one off just to be bitchy. One of us would've been bruised!
Sniffling
I went to see Big Fish the other night. It's a movie that's been high on my list of "to see movies" since it came out in December. It stars that guy from Trainspotting/Moulin Rouge and it's based on... Hell I can't tell you what it's based on thanks to the son-of-a-bitch sitting four rows behind me that had a snot problem!
I noticed his "whistle boogers" minutes into the previews. My God it nearly drove me insane! He "sniffled" at a rate of up to 39 times a minute (I counted!) for the entire show. For me, it became a snotty version of water-torture. At one point I almost stood up and asked him to "blow his nose so I could watch the damn movie". Better judment prevailed (thanks Leslie) and we finished the show. Even now writing about it gets me cranked up.
Smacking
I was taught that when you eat, you close your mouth when you chew.
Not everyone I have "broken bread" with has been taught this basic rule of etiquette.
I was having lunch with a friend of mine the other day. All started out well. We sat down, ordered our food, began a lively discussion about politics (his relationship with his wife) and the economy (his relationship with his "friends"-- I call them hookers). We joked around until the waitress brought out our meal. Then this guy went neanderthal with his food. I'm not sure if he was just hungry beyond comprehension or what, but he was enjoying his lunch on a completely different level! Ever heard someone "slurp" a chimichanga? Ever seen anyone pick their teeth with a nacho? And with every chew he took it was succeeded by a "smalck" or a "splouch" or a "splich" sound. Don't get me wrong, this guy isn't your average redneck-Jerry Springer type. He's what I tend to refer to as a respectable "suit" type.
Then there was the time we invited the kid from across the street to have dinner with us. [[insert disgust shudder here]]
The girl and RZ had been playing upstairs all day so when we ordered a pizza we asked her if she'd like to join us for dinner. She called her mom to let her know where she was and to let her know she was going to be eating pizza with us. We called Dominoes and ordered a large pepperoni pizza and within 30 minutes or so we had it on our table. We called the girls down and we sat around and served up the pie.
The across the street neighbor kid worried me.
She peeled off the pepperoni slices and ate them first, of course smacking with every bite. Then sucked the pizza goo off of each of her fingers. Then the cheese, she sucked the cheese down in one slurp. Then when there was nothing left of the slice but dough and tomato sauce she flat-tongue licked the sauce clean off of the crust before she finally gnawed down on it. After each slice she went back to her hands and licked each finger clean. It was sick! We had to watch this ritual through FOUR slices of pizza.
The whole dinner was so bizarre, sickening and sad.
Later RZ decided that she wasn't too comfortable playing with across the street neighbor kid anymore. Across the street neighbor kid has since moved.
That leads me to "issue" number four...
Jimmy Buffett
Now I'm sure that Jimmy Buffett is one hell of a nice guy. I'm sure that many of you probably enjoy his music, as I once did. But I have shared an office with someone for the past few years that plays his music non-stop, all day, every day, day in, day out.
I know the words to every Buffett song. Not by choice.
Frankly, when I hear "Cheeseburger in Paradise" I wish for freshly sharpened number 2 pencils to be jabbed deep into both of my ear canals. When I hear the first few riffs of "Why Don't We Get Drunk (And Screw)" I sing to myself "why don't we get drunk and screw up office mate's sound card and speakers".
Really though, whenever I hear the man sing all I can think of is somebody is sexing up a goat! Some days, it's all I can do to hold myself together when I hear him wail about all of his beachy endeavors.
Sometimes it's just too much.
What scares me about all of this is I'm only 39. I've just started becoming a cranky old bastard and I'm finding it all too easy!
2/17/2004 08:38:09 PM
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