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Zero Net Gain
The telephone rang Wednesday night, Les answered.
It was the "Sylvia" with Red Cross calling to tell Leslie that she has "really good blood". Seems her blood is "SO good in fact that it's THE preferred blood that they give BABIES in need of blood!" Sylvia mentioned something about it's high in a certain CSV whatever factor that makes her "blood extremely resistant to infection AND disease!" And if she will come in and donate this weekend, her "blood will save THREE babies!"
Leslie bought it hook, line, and sinker.
She was glowing with pride as Sylvia went on and on about how wonderful it is to find someone with such rare, pure, blood. At one point I overheard Leslie say "WOW! Ya know, that makes SO much sense! I never get a cold or the flu. I mean yeah, I get weird stuff, but never do I get a cold!"
By "weird stuff" I was wondering if she was thinking about the time her uterus fell out and rolled down the driveway. Maybe not.
Sylvia had accomplished her mission. She had talked my wife into scheduling an appointment to give blood. Soon as the phone conversation was over, Leslie turned and started bragging about her "pure blood". She was beginning to sound a bit Aryan about the whole thing, and I was getting kind of skeeved, but I kept quiet.
Less than a minute later, the phone rang again. I answered.
What do you know, it's Sylvia with the Red Cross.
Only this time she wanted to tell ME about the purity of MY blood. And how many babies MY blood would save.
After having a good laugh at Sylvia's expense for being slack ass and using the same bullshit line on me that she used on my wife, I agreed to donate blood at same time that Leslie had scheduled. Two for one, so to speak.
Fast forward to 11am this morning.
We walked into the Red Cross facility. "Heme Central" as I like to refer to it. We're greated warmly by the nurses (vampires) as we're filling out the appropriate paperwork. Then seperately, we're quickly taken back to go through the pre-screening workup. Pulse rate check, blood pressure check, finger stick to check the iron in our blood check, then the verbal questionnaire:
"Have you ever had liver disease?" "No."
"Have you ever been diagnosed with Aids or HIV?" "No."
"Have you ever had a tattoo or body-piercing?" "No."
"Have you ever lived in Gabon or central Africa?" "No."
"Have you ever exchanged sex for drugs or money?" "No."
"Have you ever been diagnosed with Mad Cow disease?" "Huh? No."
You get the picture. There was at least thirty questions. I must've passed because within a minute of answering "No." to the final question, I was sitting in a barcolounger watching "My Cousin Vinny" as Matilda the nurse (vampire) was bathing my left arm in Betadine.
"Ok shugah, gimme a squeeze." Matilda said.
"Dang Matilda, I barely know you. I mean you're hot and all, but my wife is just behind that door." I said (quit rolling your eyes, she was well into her fifties.)
"Oh quit it. I was tawkin' 'bout that squeezy in ya hand. Mistah thang!" She said with a Louise "Weezy" Jefferson styled laugh.
So I'm sitting there bleeding, and making small talk with Matilda. After several minutes I realize Leslie has yet to come out and bleed. I look around, finally I asked Matilda if Leslie is still in the exam room. Matilda motions toward the front of the facility and tells me that "she's sittin' up front, don't look like she's givin' blood today."
Then I asked Matilda "Can you find out if it was the 'Have you ever exchanged sex for drugs or money' question or the iron test that got her kicked out?" Matilda howled.
After I had been "drained" and bandaged up, I walked over and got a juice and a handful of peanut butter cookies and took a seat at one of the tables. Resting up like Matilda told me to do.
Leslie came over and sat down with me.
Les: "Swipe a pack of those Famous Amos cookies for me."
Les: "You look so much better-- happier even, now that you've given."
me: "Yeah. It's a spiritual thing. You know I just saved three babies."
Les: "Yep. And I just killed three."
11/27/2004 10:52:46 PM
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