| |
"uncle"
I just lost my mind a minute ago.
No joke in that.
For some reason I had, what I can only describe as a panic attack. Now I'm sweating cold bullets and shaking. Paralyzed.
I have no idea why this is happening. I'll probably regret writing this later. But right now I feel like I'm losing my rivets.
-------
I wrote this earlier this morning. Clicked publish. Then immediately went back and unpublished it. Now I'm writing it again. I just hope this time I have the nerve to let it go.
This post is the white flag to myself. I'm saying "uncle". I give.
Earlier when I was going through the "attack", I knew what the problem was. I just didn't want to admit it. Not to Leslie, not to the folks I work with, not to you, and definitely not to myself.
It's now time I square up. I'm experiencing a full blown depression. It's not the blues or a bad Monday. This is the kind of thing I used to take a full boat of medications for. The kind of thing we used to have line items in our budget for. The kind of thing that almost took my life.
I haven't had to deal with "It" on this level for several years. "It" was in its proper place. Buried.
Saturday's ice storm, and resulting loss of electricity for the day was the metaphor needed to bring "It" to the surface again. Cold. Gray. Hollow... Powerless.
This morning when I got to work I came unglued. Complete with walking into walls, sitting at my desk in a fetal position, and trying to piece together how the hell I was going to get through the next five minutes. "Full goose bozo" as my office mate would say.
Even as I write this, I'm sweating, shaking, and confused. I'm holding back a whole slew of emotions.
All in all, I realize that right now, I'm powerless. That's hard to take.
There won't be a pity party. I won't be in this "black hole" for long. I just had to get this out. Thanks for letting me unload.
1/31/2005 09:54:05 AM
|
|
|
