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Alternating Currents
I'm in. Finally.
The office is shaping up. Phones are plugged in and ringing. Getting a regular routine in place. Got work starting to come through the door.
All is well.
Well, except for the waves.
On one hand, I'm on cloud nine. Almost euphoric because this is happening so "right". Everything is falling "right" into place. The "right" doors are opening at the "right" time. I've even lapsed into THE WAVE OF FUNK* on more than one occassion.
On the other hand, every now and then I have a wave of anxiety flash through me. It's the kind of feeling I think I'd have if I woke up and realized I had sleep-walked out onto the middle of a high wire... naked. A terrified "MmmMmmMmmwhOahshit" (complete with tremolo effect), pretty much sums the feeling up.
Flash! Then it's gone.
I know why I'm having this feeling though. I'm going through this because I've failed before. A really, hard, deep-down-body, screw-up. I tell you, nothing says real failure like having to tell your wife "we might have to go bankrupt". ESPECIALLY when she called it a mistake from the start.
It was the kind of failure that everybody forgives you for, forgives and eventually forgets. Everybody, but me.
After eight years of beating myself up daily (at times viciously), and swearing I'd never put myself "out there" again.
Well, I'm out there.
Again.
I'm there this time with: a lot less ego, a lot more patience, gobs of support, real know-how, and a deep understanding of what the meaning of "Risk" is.
My sister gave me a framed print back when the going had gotten really tough. The print has this quote, "Fall down seven times. Get up eight." It meant alot then, it means alot now.
It feels good to get up.
Again.
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*The Wave of Funk is a weird happy dance, body shake thing, I used to do at random times when RZ was much younger. The "WoF" as it became known, would make her laugh so hard that she would literally throw up. Yes, my greatest achievement as a father is making my kid laugh until she pukes.
4/6/2005 10:20:00 PM
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